Turmoil
by TheSilverDevastation
Summary: Episode tag for "Ghost in the Machine." Everyone and their aunt has tagged this probably, so here's my go. McKay tries to cope with losing Elizabeth a third time. Re-post due to technical difficulties. *Crosses fingers* Hope this one works right.


**Summary**: Episode tag for "Ghost in the Machine." Everyone and their aunt has tagged this probably, so here's my go. McKay tries to cope with losing Elizabeth a third time.

**Season:** 5

**Characters:** Rodney & John

**Spoilers:** "Ghost in the Machine", early season 5

**Disclaimer:** Stargate and all it's affiliates are not and have never been mine. If they were, Atlantis would still be going (or at the very least we'd have the gorram movie by now) and Universe would never have been. I just take them out to play occasionally, but I always put them back when I'm done. Don't sue.

~…~…~…~…~

Dr. Rodney McKay leaned further into the railing in front of him, losing himself to the sound of the gentle waves far below. He felt foolish.

He should be sleeping, he knew that. It was well past three in the morning and very few Atlantis personnel were up, but he was past the point of no return. Sleep wouldn't come, and to be completely honest with himself, he didn't want it to. More than that, he was afraid for it to. Sleep wasn't a fun prospect on good days lately, and today had definitely not been a good day. He wasn't in the mood for whatever horrible show his unconscious mind had planned for him this time around.

He should be in his lab then, going over the data left behind by the replicators, trying to salvage something positive out of this mess. He knew that any information he could get his hands on could help him iron out his medical-nano project. He should be in his lab. That's where he usually went when he needed to hide from himself– couldn't sleep. It's where he went when he couldn't sleep.

He really should be anywhere but here. He should be doing anything but pathetically wallowing in his own grief. So why was he here? Why was he standing on Elizabeth's favorite balcony, staring uselessly at the ocean? Dammit! He'd done this already! He'd done the grieving thing. He'd moved past it. He was fine.

So why couldn't he leave?

The soft swish of the door opening behind him brought Rodney back from his thoughts. He didn't turn, didn't give any sign that he knew someone was there. Hopefully if he ignored them long enough whoever it was would just go away. There was a first time for everything after all. This, however, didn't seem to be one of those times. The person stepped onto the balcony and took up position next to Rodney at the railing.

The scientist risked a glance at his self-invited balcony-buddy. Sheppard looked haggard and Rodney could tell that he hadn't slept anywhere close to recently. It was the set of his jaw that gave him away. The colonel tended to clench his teeth a lot when he was tired. That he knew something like that about another person wasn't something Rodney really wanted to think about at the moment. Instead, he just stood there waiting for Sheppard to say something. He obviously sought the astrophysicist out for a reason.

A stray thought flitted though his active mind: maybe he wasn't the reason Sheppard was there. Maybe the colonel came out here for the same reason Rodney had. Whatever the hell that was.

Tough shit, he was there first.

The cynical scientist opened his mouth, planning on breaking the silence with something appropriately off putting and abrasive. He was surprised when words started pouring from him, seemingly beyond his control, "She's really gone, isn't she? I mean, she's been gone for months really so it should be okay, right? I guess part of me hoped… Getting Carson back I thought maybe… But this is completely different. Not even similar. Not like last time. I mean, she wasn't either. Not really. But it was…" And as suddenly as they had started, the words just stopped.

They stood side by side sharing one of the more awkward silences Rodney had ever been a part of. The apology came softly, almost right on cue. "Rodney, I'm sorry. I—"

"Colonel," McKay interrupted, trying to cut off the pilot's self flagellation before it could start.

No such luck, apparently. Sheppard pressed on like Rodney hadn't said a word, "I should have—"

"John," he pleaded, succeeding in shutting his friend up. McKay really didn't want to go into it, despite is earlier babbling. He didn't really go in for that whole 'talk about your feelings' voodoo, and not amount of flyboy charm could make Sheppard a 'feel-y' person either.

He knew John wanted to make it right somehow, _needed_ to make it right. He also knew that nothing either of them could say would make any difference.

When the hell did this happen? When did he become so important to other people? When did they become so damn important to him? It kind of pissed him off. What right did they have, worming their way into his life like this? Things had been so much easier when he'd closed himself off from the world. When he had convinced himself he didn't care.

He glanced at Sheppard's profile. Saw the grief written plainly on his face, there for anyone who knew to look.

When did he let another person's pain effect him so much?

Turning finally to face his friend, he asked the first question that came to mind, "Have you eaten? I'm thinking about heading to the mess, see if anything's left. Preferably something with a high alcohol content."

Seeing the slight twitch at the corner of his friend's lips, the closest thing to a cocky grin he'd seen in a while, McKay let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. With a jerk of his head toward the door he headed back into the city proper. As he stepped through the nearly silent doors he realized Sheppard hadn't made any attempt to follow.

"Well, are you coming or not?" McKay asked, leaning against the doorframe with his arms folded across his chest. He couldn't help the impatience that leeched into his tone as he waited for Sheppard to get his ass back inside. Now that he thought about it, he _was_ pretty hungry.


End file.
